____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
