while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
