We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
