I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize