i may or may not be watching the land before time
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
only you would photoshop your dick
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
