He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
