So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
