K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
