dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize