I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
