Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize