my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize