I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
