hotel room ftw
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
