i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
