There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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