I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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