The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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