no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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