No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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