I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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