Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
