I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize