She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
