I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
