There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
