I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I am naked and annoyed.
We are all done wearing pants today
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
