I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
