I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
