Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Ketchup is God's man juice
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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