ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
