Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Two words: blizzard sex
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
