Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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