if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
