After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
