I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
