If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
