can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
