someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
