This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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