Swine flu is the new snow day.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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