i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
