I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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