When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
