can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize