you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize