Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
