I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
