Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
