if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
