I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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