I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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