Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
