I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize