i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
