But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
