I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
